I have a confession to make: I am totally failing at my bloggrimage. Here we are on Day 13, almost half way through, and a part from a few good projects I don’t feel like I’m doing very well on reordering my life…at least in the physical, measurable way. What I have noticed though is a growing awareness of my health – how much I eat and how healthy it is. I’ve noticed that wanting to exercise isn’t enough motivation to get me to actually do it – the desire for sleep is stronger. I’ve noticed that when I do exercise it gives me lots of energy, so it’s best not to do it before bed. I’ve noticed that my desire for the Lord is growing. I’ve noticed that I’m more happy, fulfilled and confident when I’m on mission – when I have a purpose that I feel is important. I’ve noticed that what I’m noticing is changing.
I’m not entirely sure where this bloggrimage is taking me, but I think it’s some place better than I anticipated. Different for sure – less quantifiable, less look-what-I-did – more actually real. When I had the idea to focus on the goals for change I had for this year, I figured the accountability of doing in on the bloggrimage would force the change. But in my trying – and failing – I think God is doing something greater. Actually reordering my life, starting with my mind, my perspective, my perception. Isn’t that how it always is? And it’s not like any of this is entirely new or profound – I haven’t even had that eureka moment, but I feel on the cusp of it. I’ve been being stirred and awakened in ways that I haven’t felt in a long time – in some areas, that I’ve never felt.
I’m not giving up trying – though I know that my own will power to change isn’t going to be enough. But I feel the trying is part of the awakening. For sometime now I’ve been living in neutral – just getting by, surviving, numbing. When we risk, we can get hurt. When we try, we can fail. When we hope, we can be disappointed. So it becomes a matter of survival, a matter of shutting those things down because it’s too painful to really live. And we can do that for awhile – heck, it’s even a nice vacation if you’re a passionate person like I am. But thank God, He allows discontentment to rise up within me. I’m being reminded of who I am, who I want to be, and who I’m called to be. That’s my confession today.